Burn After Living
I used to be pretty terrified of being buried alive. I'm pretty trusting of doctors and all that, but what to make of all the stories on the Internet where coffins were unearthed only to find the lids RIDDLED WITH SCRATCH MARKS?!?!?!?
Then I watched a MythBusters where they were basically like, "Yeah, you are not gonna survive in a coffin once you've been buried." After recovering from the shock of something on the Internet being false, my fears of being buried alive subsided, but the idea of traditional burial still seems like a racket. I'd rather my friends and family purchase a crapload of Jameson and throw a bitchin' wake rather than literally bury $3,000.
In short: Cremate me, put my remains into a tightly sealed coconut, and fire me out of a cannon into the Pacific Ocean. Then when I wash up on a deserted island, and some castaway finds me, he'll be all like "Oh, sweet, a coconut," and I'll be like "Sorry, bro, it's just some ashes. Hahaha…FACE." One last laugh from the great beyond.
-Senior Editor Mike…off to eat well and get more exercise…
Then I watched a MythBusters where they were basically like, "Yeah, you are not gonna survive in a coffin once you've been buried." After recovering from the shock of something on the Internet being false, my fears of being buried alive subsided, but the idea of traditional burial still seems like a racket. I'd rather my friends and family purchase a crapload of Jameson and throw a bitchin' wake rather than literally bury $3,000.
In short: Cremate me, put my remains into a tightly sealed coconut, and fire me out of a cannon into the Pacific Ocean. Then when I wash up on a deserted island, and some castaway finds me, he'll be all like "Oh, sweet, a coconut," and I'll be like "Sorry, bro, it's just some ashes. Hahaha…FACE." One last laugh from the great beyond.
-Senior Editor Mike…off to eat well and get more exercise…




Donate to a med school, to your local hospital, or to the NIH. Put a sticker on your license. Make it clear to your family physician.
...and put it in your will, too. Along with the suggestion that those who miss you throw that party to celebrate your life and the lives you are saving!
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