Ideal Bite

Rules are rules. I get that. And in order to win the coveted Golden Hoe, I had to grow edible food by the end of the contest, something I will readily admit I did not do. But if we had gone like two more weeks, you would have witnessed the most incredible blossoming of tomato fruit ever known to mankind (or at least the roof at 340 Brannan Street).

Did I change my gardening style in those two weeks? Nope. So I submit to you, fair, reasonable (and good-looking) readers, that I have been made the unwilling victim of a contest that pitted me against nature rather than my fellow competitors, and just like The Old Man and the Sea (no, I'm not blowing this out of proportion, why do you ask?), this story as well ends with the protagonist clutching at the mangled skeleton of a lost victory.

All I'm saying is, Heather grew lettuce. And lettuce contains an opiate-like substance that was used as a sedative and sometimes to hypnotize people. Is this the role model we want to celebrate? I grew tomatoes, whose scientific name is Solanum lycopersicum. Do you know what lycopersicum means in Latin? It means "wolf peach" - and everyone knows that wolves are awesome.

So because I am a sore loser, I submit to you this video proof of my gardening excellence, ladies and gentlemen. If you'd like to start a letter-writing campaign to direct the Golden Hoe to its rightful owner (*cough* me *cough*), I won't stop you.




-Senior Editor Mike...off to have a BLT minus the L in protest...